Unity Into The True Self - An expression of womanhood
“There is only one of us in this room. One Spirit flows through all of us.” These words have stayed with me since Drunvalo first transmitted them to me at an Earth-Sky-Heart workshop. Its not that I hadn’t heard about this concept, or studied it before, but Drunvalo transmitted that feeling to me at the exact moment I was ready take it in. A seed was planted and it has everything to do with how I express being a woman in today’s world. Today’s world doesn’t play by the same rules as any other time in history. The way I am dealing with it is by healing the gene pool for my lineage.
When I was younger I assumed the dreams of the cultural collective. I would be married by 27, my first child would be born by 30, and another one would come along a few years after that. I didn’t think much about the details, it was just going to happen. I was also going to star on Broadway, Cats being my musical of choice. 27 came and went, 30 came and went. Cats closed after a 20 year run and surprise!! No husband, no kids, no leading role. A different path was in order and it would take all of me to get on board with it.
I can remember at around 8 years old getting a set of pom-poms. I just knew that I would be the most popular girl in high school, captain of the cheerleading squad, with my quarterback boyfriend by my side. So I had better start practicing my cheers. After all I had seen the movies, so that was my destiny. Tuckered out from cheering, I would go into my room, create universes and fairy races with my spirit friends, pray with Mother Mary and fall asleep, dreaming about my future quarterback boyfriend. Looking back, it seems possible that there may have been conflicting agendas from a young age.
Adolescence arrived, and early on it was revealed that perhaps things would not turn out as I had imagined as an 8 year old. I was devastated to learn that I hated football, cheerleading and well, most people, especially jocky men. I had no plan B. I was as surprised as anyone that by 16 I was a cynical artist who enjoyed singing, dancing and painting about her past lives. At least Cats still made sense because, at its core, it’s all about reincarnation. Sexual contact scared me to death and whenever a guy liked me I either froze or became their best friend. I hated my parents, who also hated each other, but the worst part of it was that I was extraordinarily disappointed that I was turning out this way. Did other teenage girls dream about their star family showing up in a big ship to rescue them from earth? Did other girls walk into McDonalds and have what I called “reality checks.” These were moments when what I considered the artificial elements of earth disoriented me and I couldn’t get a grip on “reality.” The list of different hamburgers with the neon colors and pictures completely un-grounded me. I would then have to pull my coat over my eyes until the feeling disappeared. Later, in healing school, I learned these moments of reality checks and waiting for the ship to take me home were called existential terror. And no, I checked, the other girls were not having this experience. They were making out with the quarterback.
Junior year began and after my parents announced their divorce, I announced I would be joining the cheerleading squad. Everything was backfiring, and perhaps being on the squad would somehow put things back on track. When people asked why on earth I was joining, I would reply, “Its for my inner child!” I was a dancer so I picked up the moves quickly and I thought I looked hot in the outfit, just like the movies. I can only describe the cheerleading experience like one of those dreams where you look down and you’re naked. To me, it was completely obvious that I was pretending, and everyone could see. The inauthenticity in that outfit only made the truth more obvious. I was hot, I was blonde and my parents were definitely getting a divorce. I lasted one semester on the squad and hung up my pom-poms for good. My friends gave me that “I told you so” look and I surrendered to a life of spiritual search and artistic expression.
The only problem was that there was no road to follow and this really freaked me out. I was not ready to embrace it. Inside, I did not take my family’s divorce well, although on the outside everything looked great. I was reluctant to move forward and blaze a new trail, when, like my mother, I really wanted to fix my family. As a young woman, I had no idea how to love and accept myself, and I certainly did not know where I fit in anymore. I thought I had a lot of bush-wacking to do, but unfortunately, it was my bush that got whacked, over and over for the next decade as the internal split between the codependent inherited dream, and the yet undiscovered empowered healer played itself out in what seemed like an unstoppable cycle of relationship trauma.
I will spare the details of the decade of abuse, date rape, physical illness, abortion, psychic attack, self destruction, betrayal and abandonment coupled with Reiki initiations, meditation, yoga, creative development and artistic success. All I know is by 27 I was found desperate, on my knees at my first Barbara Brennan healer’s door. I was nowhere near my dream of marriage and family, nowhere near where I thought I would be as a woman. Not even close. The woman I was supposed to be was fantastic. She was alive with self-confidence and self-worth. She was a healer with an open heart to the world. This was not where I was. I was broken, angry, sick, in victimhood and blame, perpetually lonely with a great job. It could only be my fault, and I hated myself for being such a let down. Don’t even get me started about how much it was everyone else’s fault too-especially my parents.
Rebecca, my new healer, who seemed to me like my old friend Mother Mary incarnate, spoke these magical words about The Barbara Brennan School of Healing, “I learned how to be myself with anyone, through anything.” For me, it was like someone saying to a child who has been starving since birth, “I have enough food to feed you for a lifetime.” Without hesitation I signed up for the 4-year program.
And the healing process began. The rage was released, the tears flowed endlessly, I reclaimed soul fragment after soul fragment and brought them in. I learned that not only did I have existential terror, I had a raging abandonment wound. Sometimes its good to be diagnosed, especially when there is a protocol for healing it. I had to suffer a few more years before I could shift the automatic victim response into automatic empowerment response. But I did it. Of course, my way of processing was dramatic, I needed a lot of healing crises, shamanic deaths and drastic physical symptoms to believe I was healing, but it worked. I began to deeply care for myself. I remember at the end of my second year I thought, “I have surpassed my dreams. I am more than what I could have possibly imagined.” I ceased feeling lonely and began to have experiences of what I like to call happiness. This involved surrendering to my connection to the divine and treating myself like the angels I so dearly loved. I stopped my abusive patterns in relationships and by 30, I had what I consider to be my first adult relationship. I graduated from the Brennan school, opened a healing practice and by 31 had my first soulmate relationship. I had healed and developed my heart enough to love fully. My loving heart was finally open to the world and to this incredible loving man I loved to love and be loved by. Love. I had never imagined such bliss could exist with another. Such depth. Such unity. My dream had arrived. I had done the work, I had healed! I often patted myself on the back as we talked about our future together. It did concern me that I had a sinking feeling that it would all end. I kept seeing him moving back to Israel to find himself- alone. No matter, those were just old abandonment fears showing themselves to be healed. Thank God I had good healers and friends to help me. We all knew that would never happen.
Of course, it did happen. It was not a case of nasty, evil or wrong doing, it just wasn’t right for the long term. I was devastated and in danger of splitting again in self-rejection as I demanded from my guides that they explain such cruelty. They said was, “Can you love yourself through this? Can you accept that he was not your life partner? For he is not and was never meant to be.” No, I couldn’t. I was mad. Had I not done enough? Had I not healed enough? I didn’t want to blaze any more trails. I was fuming. I just could not accept it. I loved him. All the trust I had built with Spirit, with myself, with my guides and my healers vanished in an instant. This seemed like the ultimate betrayal and I was splitting to the core.
Months passed and I could not seem to heal. I felt a debilitating grief and sadness that no amount of channeling, healing or hugging friends seemed to cure. I was feeling desperate that it would never get better. I couldn’t believe I had to experience another heartbreak after four years of healing school and the decade that preceded that. I mean come on.
I decided to head down to Peru for the elder gathering at Lake Titicaca for the Spring Equinox. The purpose? I wanted to study the process of unification. I had been channeling quite a lot on the subject and felt like I needed some serious sacred travel. I did a quick abundance exercise and a new friend offered to pay for most of the trip, so I was on my way. It was an Eagle and Condor gathering. This meant that tribes from North America would come together with tribes from South America to do ceremony, and that also included white people. I wanted to learn from all the different Elders and bliss out in the energy of oneness. Perhaps gain some sort of trust back in the life process and maybe one day write about how that happens. I had been happy before and just knew I could do it again if I tried hard enough.
Upon arrival it was clear that this was not going to be a blissful few weeks in oneness. Try putting a Hasidic Jew and a Catholic Priest in the same room and saying, “Okay, lets do ceremony!” The Elders could not get it together. Drama, arguments, egos, it was way more interesting that I had imagined, and frankly made me feel a little better about myself. A few Elders even leaned on my shoulder for support. I could really see the value in having no religious or cultural lineage. Freedom! As a resident of the most diverse city in the world, New York City, I have no problem bridging cultural and religious gaps.
But those bridges would collapse as soon as I got to my room. I was not having it with my guide team. They kept trying to make me grow, and I just wanted to be happy again. No more hard lessons! I would have to go from mountain top to mountain top, ruin to ruin to let this resistance run its course. I cursed them on Pisac, I forgave them at the Monkey Temple, I cursed them again in Cusco, and merged with them on Machu Picchu. They led me on initiation after initiation and I cursed and forgave them all the way. For crying out loud, was there a husband hiding in one of these lessons?
When I arrived home I was well on the way to healing, but I had to have a grand finale. Things had not yet gotten dramatic enough to convince me. There’s nothing like going to an old ex-boyfriend’s wedding the day after returning from Peru to kill a buzz and stir up the pot. Then my most recent love called me from Israel, where he had been busy finding himself. Hearing his loving voice I was reminded of everything I felt I’d lost and I cried and cried to him. But nothing had changed. He was not the right guy for me, and I was not the right gal for him and there was nothing I could do about it. I would not have my family back. I hit a wall. I didn’t know what to think anymore, who or what to trust. I didn’t know anything. I just wanted to die. I held my guides and my higher-self responsible for my heartbreak and I wasn’t going to stand for it. They had led me in the wrong direction. All they cared about was my growth and emancipation, not my basic human rights for companionship and procreation. I would show them who’s boss. In a fit of rage I threatened to fire them and began the research to trade in my higher self. I had always been told anything was possible.
As I worked out the details of the trade it occurred to me that I had to give a healing in a few hours. Clearly I had not thought things through. What was I going to do? I had no complaints about my guides’ work in the healing room. I had really backed myself into a corner. There was no guarantee they would show. I had to act fast. Nervously, I arrived at my office. I thought I heard some noise. Who was in there? As I slowly opened the door I was blasted with so much unconditional love I almost fell over. My guides were already there, preparing the room. In healing school this is called the psychopathic healing response, and my guides were clearly professionals. Throughout the duration of the healing they held this unconditional love with such solidarity that the true road to forgiveness and acceptance began. I’m sure my client was grateful, I know I was. That was a moment I will probably never forget. Maybe I did have a family, because only family would show up after you fired them.
While I was on good terms with my guides again, I still was not convinced of my higher self’s agenda. A few days later on Easter I held a powerful ceremony at my apartment. I made one last demand of my higher self. Her answer would determine whether or not she got traded. My demand was that either she get on board with relationship, or she get out. I would comply with being a huge success with my personal emancipation and career if she would completely support the best life long union possible for me and direct me to it. Her response:
“Well it’s about time you asked me. While you have spent many years developing in your capacity to love, you had not integrated that ability with your highest strength (me) to attract a partner. This is something you have figured out in the other areas of your life such as your career and friendships, but in the matter of attracting a partner you open your heart widely while defaulting to your conditioning and family template as your structure still. This structure is based on abandonment and fear. It will no longer be an issue as long as you come from an integrated place of strength and love from within your True Self, utilizing my guidance. I will bring in for you a partner who does not rewound you, but in fact assists in your healing through loving, committed partnership. In your most unified and highest state, that which is you has nothing to do with the path that either parent has shown you. It is of your own design and authentic self-expression. Thank you for unifying your selves into your True Self.”
After this I felt myself come together in a unity that I had never known. In an instant my sadness and hopelessness dissolved into peace. My love and my strength became partners. The masculine and feminine intertwined in sacred union within. I was no longer divorced. The true power of Easter and rebirth ran through my awareness. I had, in a matter of minutes (and months and years of processing) reached that elusive space everyone talks about called “not needing to be in a relationship.” Yes ladies and gentlemen, it does exist, and it seems to have stuck. I told one of my friends who participated in the ceremony, “I’m not sure what happened, but when I wake up tomorrow a new life begins.”
And it did. My heart healed once more and I began to feel gratitude for the deep experience of unconditional love shared with my Israeli soulmate. My relationship with my parents shifted entirely without any planning. I embraced my work as a film editor for the first time in 6 years. I relaxed about having to be the most psychic healer known to NYC. But mostly it’s that I feel happy, strong and loving within myself. I am embracing the lessons being given around being a woman and manifesting a husband in a brand new template, continuing to build a beautiful career in the arts and healing and just being myself. It feels so good. I no longer have to work so hard to blaze the trail because all of me is finally on board with my life path, and I am the one spirit that flows through all of us.
As a woman today, I have stepped up to be so much more than I had ever imagined.
As a woman today, I have emancipated from my family, cultural and karmic templates to step into my True Self and heal my gene pool.
As a woman today, I represent the unified whole and so my healing and emancipation affects the unified whole.
As a woman today, I am so proud of who I am.
As a woman today, I am whole.
As a woman today, I am.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to explore this.
CC Treadway
is a teacher and speaker for spiritual transformation. She leads students through a yearly curriculum based on the energies spiraling in from the cosmos and the seasons expressed through Mother Earth. Born spiritually sensitive, CC has been practicing energy work for 15 years, teaching workshops on healing, sound healing, channeling, psychic development, and spiritual growth. Her work stretches globally through lightwork activations, channelings, writings, telecourses and healings. She is known for her compassionate presence, sense of humor and natural spiritual connection and expression. A graduate of the four-year energy healing and personal transformation program, the Barbara Brennan School of Healing. CC does not believe in one stop shop healings, but in the delicate unfolding of the soul’s desires with the development of consciousness. CC lives in Brooklyn, New York.
To learn more about CC and the Treadway Esoteric curriculum, please visit www.treadwayesoteric.com
For her collection of articles, channelings and blogs, please visit www.thehealingblog.com
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