WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
An Intuitive Perspective of the Energetics of Love

By Julia Griffin

We are truly spirits in the material world. Until we can stabilize our energy by learning to live from our hearts, love brings us up and down. The more that we love, the more obvious our duality becomes. Clients often tell me that they were fine before they fell in love, citing years of spiritual studies.

Relationships test all of our spiritual studies; they are about mastery of emotion and staying in the heart. Loving a special person raises us to a higher frequency, and whenever we experience a higher frequency, it becomes necessary to "do the work", to resolve our inner negativities.

We will never fall in love with anyone who does not "punch our buttons". Otherwise, we miss a tremendous learning experience — seeing ourselves in the mirror of someone else. This magical mirror can bring us into a state of true being if we learn how to see our selves.

Intimacy in a relationship is what we all desire. If we open ourselves to love, then what might be the result? If we are in a true state of being, then our potential as creators is wildly expanded; the world suddenly opens, becoming beautiful.

Intimacy is also a state that is most feared by all of us because it is a reflection of our soul's relationship within the Universe. Only the dissolution of the ego can lead us into a state of wholeness, yet we fear the loss of our individuality or our personality. We are afraid of feeling another person as much as we feel ourselves, and we fear letting go and moving into a state of greater happiness. This brings duality into play.

When we are experiencing duality, then we think that we want to end the relationship, and we also experience moments of desiring the beloved with all of our hearts. Our heartbeat increases, our hormones race, and we experience feelings that we had all but forgotten.

We remember that it is not the other person that we don't want; it is our feelings that we have not mastered through thinking that either separation or total merging with another being can become the answer.

Oddly, we do not even have to verbalize these feelings. The other person magically receives them. As an intuitive, I have learned that our subconscious and unspoken conscious thoughts are heard much more loudly than vocalized words.

The time periods of separation, caused by the unhappy images, provide a chance to change; to ponder what life would be like without the other person; and to make a decision to continue or end the relationship. If you and the other person love one another, then it is certainly worth the work.

I am often asked how I know if one person loves another. When I think of the two people, there is more energy. The energy feels warm and nurturing. The person's field looks larger, and his/her energy is increased. When there is not love, it feels cold.

When someone truly loves you, if at any time you affect a change by ending a role in drama playing, then the other person will immediately change his or her behavior in a positive way. The other person will also respond, more and more quickly, to any thoughts of love or kindness that you have of him or her.

Mystics experience moments of fleeting bliss which eventually become days and hours. In this state, one feels a complete state of loving every particle of life and every person that one encounters. All of creation — every object and every person — seems composed of a material that only be called "Oneness".

This mystical state is enhanced by the presence of the loved one. The enhancement does not come from any desire or expectation, but only the joy of that person's presence. Esoteric writings teach that sexual union and/or a pure love for another are two of the highest states of being.

When we love someone objectively, we see his or her faults without needing him or her to change. Subjectively, true love is realized when we love the True Presence of a person, without wanting anything at all in return.

Loving Your Duality

When we "fall" in love, our deepest patterns come into play. We created these patterns in our interaction with our parents or other significant events that caused us to feel deep emotions. We automatically attract a person who knows to ignite a deep response from us — we wouldn't fall in love otherwise.

If we have ever experienced hurt or pain following a parent's action, then we expect it to happen again. We also expect a repetition of whatever was painful in past relationships. Even if we think it won't happen, we sometimes experience strong waves of negative emotion or reaction. On the other hand, we have happy visions of the future.

What is the reason for this? It is because of our duality — the interplay between the positive and negative parts of our selves. If we could stay in our hearts all of the time, we wouldn't experience it. If we loved our selves enough, then we wouldn't experience duality as often.

While teaching class, I asked the class to project a picture of their physical body on a screen, then to add their emotional, mental and spiritual energies. Every person left out significant parts of the body and added only positive emotional, mental and spiritual images. Few could hold the image when asked to add their negative qualities.

I pointed out to my students that I loved both parts of their beings. I also saw that we send very little energy to the parts of our selves (body, angry part, sad part, etc) that we don't like, and, when we do, it is negative energy. Learning to love the ego or our duality is one of the steps to acceptance of self and others.

What happens if we send love? What if we imagine love to be energy, giving it color and allowing it fill our bodies, emotions and minds — both negative and positive parts? The body becomes well; the emotions become calmer and the mind creates more positive thoughts.

What if we send love to the beloved in our relationship, loving all parts of that person (seeing both the positive and negative)? We can take the image even farther and focus on what we truly love about this person. What happens? We will receive a very positive response.

When we learn to love the parts of our selves that we don't like, our reality begins to change very positively. If we extend this concept to the other person, we can go into our hearts and send the message, "I love you just as you are."

Talking In Your Sleep

Telling someone energetically that you love them works. If we send a wave of energy, imagining it as beautiful light, it works even better. We are only capable of doing this when we are conscious. When we are not aware of what we are thinking or feeling, you could say that we are sleeping.

When we are sleeping, we fall into our automatic patterns. Those patterns tend to be linear, restrictive and limiting. We also send negative thoughts, feelings and energy toward the people that we love most.

We make mental lists of their errors with us. We even tell our selves that if s/he really loved us, then they wouldn't act that way. Unfortunately, we also send these pictures, thoughts and feelings to the other person.

"Why does s/he treat me in this way?" is a common refrain. The answer is that our living pictures or holograms have a reality of their own. They begin with us and are acted out by the other person. Most people are completely unaware of them because they are sleeping. They do not even hear their own thoughts.

Let's look at a very simple example: Mary is angry because her husband forgets to call her each morning. If I look at Mary energetically, she is projecting a picture of her husband forgetting to call. What if Mary consciously projects a picture of happily speaking with her husband at 10 am? He is very apt to call.

Mary would probably not be aware of her energetic picture until I pointed it out. Even when we become aware of our patterns, it can take time to change. We can love the pattern as part of our duality. Or we can just observe it.

By using imagination, we can create a whole different world to experience. If we are all talking in our sleep through energetic patterns, then we can rewrite the script with love, thus creating happiness.

The Drama

We act out our subconscious patterns in drama. One way of transmuting drama is to observe it. Eventually our negative beliefs about love are revealed, and we can surrender them by learning to create positive images in their place.

We recreate the dramas of our past by dwelling on past memories or holograms and by thinking that the other person "does these things" to us, thus enabling both our selves and the other person to move into drama. Through recognition of drama, we can be free to create a reality of greater happiness.

True perception of drama in our lives is based on a single premise: No one is doing anything to us. We create "it" — our experience — all by ourselves. Our experience of life could be compared to a movie. We rarely change the script because we play the same pictures and feelings continually in our minds.

The actors are pulled in by the holograms or movies that play perpetually in our subconscious and are colored by our thoughts and feelings. The movie plays because we continually replay the same pictures in our minds.

In this article, drama is referred to with three positions — the Victim, Hero, and Perpetrator. All three roles must be in any drama. The victim is the person who is hurt. The perpetrator inflicts the harm, and the hero must save all.

Identifying the victim state

It is important to learn the common reactions of each of the three states. By learning the thought, feeling and reactive patterns, you can begin to observe the pattern. As you learn to observe the pattern, you can change your perpetual thoughts, feelings and beliefs that hold the pattern in place. When you learn to do this, your life will begin to change in many positive ways.

A victim state arises from feeling "hurt". It often feels as though the hurt inside is unbearable. Common thought forms include:

1. Why is the other person doing this to me?
2. My life would be fine if this (something in the relationship) changed?
3. My happiness depends on this person's actions.
   Or I would be happy if only he or she did this or that.
4. If he or she acted differently, then I could change my life or everything would be different.
5. My needs are not being met because of the other person.

Actions that follow (1) feelings and (2) thoughts of a victim state include:

1. You must tell other people about the pain that you experience because of the other person or about what is wrong with the other person.
2. You are so overwhelmed with pain that you must act or say something to change the situation.
3. You think that there is nothing that you can do to change the other person or the situation.

Value of the Victim State

The victim state is valuable because we can USE this place is to discover the patterns within our own psyche that cause us pain. The negative feelings are a reflection our own inner, often suppressed, feelings that can either enable the position of the victim or give insight to free us from the patterns. We all find someone who ignites these patterns within us, making us feel "badly".

If we decide that we will change or overcome the emotional trauma, we can begin by deciding to take responsibility for the drama in our lives. Drama is the main source of conversation in most people's lives. In our society, we receive a great deal of attention for being in a victim state.

Expectations are even created around our desire to have someone else dissolve our own patterns. We also have expectations about how much attention and approval that the other person can give us. We love or don't love the other person in relation to how they measure up in this regard.

It is much easier to make someone else wrong than it is to change our emotions, thoughts and actions. If we take total responsibility for ourselves, then we would say that we are creating the pattern. If we gave ourselves attention in the right way, then we would have to develop greater discipline and move into the human "fear of change".

Ultimately, it doesn't matter how much approval, attention or love that anyone gives us — until we find these resources within our selves, we simply cannot have enough — it is like a cup that can never be filled.

Identifying the Hero State

Sacrificing heart felt desires for the good of others is the Hero's theme. It begins when we encounter a difficulty in life. It may also be that we feel that the other person does not want to help her/himself. In other words, we usually have someone's good at "ego" or heart when we become the hero.

When viewed energetically, we are giving away our energy to "fix" a victim or perpetrator. Usually the other person will improve briefly as a result of our energy give-away, but the situation will not change because of our intent — to give away our energy to appear needed. We may blame, like the perpetrator, for our sacrifice. Nevertheless, we move back into the Hero position — to receive acclaim and approval for aiding an undeserving person or difficult situation!

This occurs because the hero "loves" another person's idealized image too much. Character flaws are overlooked because we believe that if we "love" the other person enough that s/he will change. We sublimate development of our gifts because we are lacking in love of self.

Feeling superior and self-righteous is part of this drama. It is balanced by exhaustion, and feeling overwhelmed and burdened because we sacrifice time, energy and effort to correct our perception of a problem.

Ultimately, we feel that we are giving "something" that we do not want to give.

A Hero state arises from thinking that we can make things "right" if we only try enough or give enough of ourselves away. Common thoughts, emotions and actions include:

1. Overworking (If I work more, then everything will change)
2. Not having time for rest, enjoyment or pleasure
3. Exercising too much or not having time to exercise
4. Feeling that you have more to do than you can ever accomplish
5. Feeling exhausted or tense
6. Feeling if the other person changed, then your life would be fine
7. Making another person's goals and life more important than your own
8. Enabling other people and believing that if they changed, everything would work

Value of the Hero State

The value of the Hero state lies in understanding that whatever is sacrificed is of utmost importance to us. We would not be "sacrificing" it, if it were not important. We use the other person to sacrifice what we most desire, the part of our selves that most longs for expression.

The hero uses the other person exhaustively to accomplish his/her means. This means s/he is NOT listening to what his/her soul is prompting. The other person also becomes the hero's measure of his/her superiority; the instrument of blame (look what I have given up for you), and his/her element of torture.

Enabling is a key word in the Hero position. By enabling the other person, the hero holds his/her position. Enabling another person is not as difficult as overcoming the limitations of the ego and pursuing our gifts. We "appear" to gain the most in the Hero's position, not only culturally, but also through our justification of our actions.

Strong pictures of another person's lack of abilities, strengths and performance are fabricated in our minds. When these feelings are materialized, we may act for the other person or do all of their work. Often, we will belittle the other person for not meeting our standards. We may resent the "unfairness" of our relationship, even stating that other person gets to do whatever s/he wants.

Hidden under these words is a strong desire to control. Control disguises several fears: if we grow into our abilities, then the other person will not want us, or we will not want them; if we do not enable the other person, then they will not need us; and if we change we may have to leave behind the all familiar past. Our desire to play hero is often a desire to avoid abandonment, separation and loss. There is very little to lose, other than ourselves, by staying in the hero's patterns.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter how much we give away to others — no matter how much approval we might receive — until we decide to develop our gifts and find the path of our heart, we will continue to search for our answers in others.

Identifying the Perpetrator State

If the Hero is the savior or good one, the Perpetrator is the "bad one", perhaps even the criminal in a societal sense. The perpetrator is aggressive, hurting us for no apparent reason, wreaking havoc in our lives when we have been "good". Wherever we cannot uphold our boundaries, the perpetrator persists.

Action is a key word. If the hero and victim lack boundaries, the perpetrator protects his/her boundaries. It is perhaps the most dual of the roles, for the perpetrator also wears the hero's face when kickboxing, saving a country, or violently rescuing a woman or child.

The perpetrator expresses the vulnerable side of their nature through force. Passivity is loss of control to a perpetrator. The perpetrator sees no point in trying to be "nice" or passive, like the hero or victim. Whenever the perpetrator feels badly, intimidated or hurt, s/he responds with a fight response.

Their efforts at love and heart felt expressions were crushed in childhood. The wounded part of their persona experiences too much pain to risk true communication. They fear rejection for exposure of the angry personality beneath the surface.

Inwardly, the perpetrator feels victimized and vulnerable — a state s/he can not tolerate. He lacks the ability to express his needs and desires in a positive manner. S/he enforces boundaries aggressively, without consideration of the other. The idea is to strike at others' vulnerabilities.

When we are in a perpetrator state, we demand that others give us what we want. We become passionate, energized and active. We may yell or scream. We push back at the other person, striving to win the argument. Blame or energy is thrown at the other party. We actively use our energy to take what we want through intimidation, whether or not the other person likes it.

When we send negative energy to anyone, we send their energy back, which temporarily alleviates our pain. We have literally sent away our energy toward someone else — unfortunately, it returns with even more force.

Universal Law dictates that any energy, positive or negative, that we send toward others returns with three times the initial energy of the thought, feeling or action. So if we decide to hurt someone because of our pain, we are only creating more pain for ourselves.

ACTIONS that follow feelings and thoughts of a perpetrator state are:

1. Telling other people how much this person just hurt you
2. Not listening when the other person tries to talk
3. Blaming the other person for how you feel
4. Thinking about how you will hurt the other person to feel better

Value of the Perpetrator State

A perpetrator will often develop charm or social skills to mask this part of the personality from society at large. They then feel even more misunderstood, and, in turn, angry because no one sees them as the person that they truly are. When others react to their rage, they temporarily feel vindicated, but loneliness follows this course.

We learn from the perpetrator that anger and aggression are not fulfilling. Winning at all costs often means losing friends or the respect of loved ones. By learning to love the dark part of our selves, we can win not only the love of others but the long desired opportunity to communicate and transcend old painful patterns.

The perpetrator also teaches us to learn assertiveness in place of aggression and to speak from our hearts instead of our heads. When we speak from the heart, the other person must hear us. If we speak from an ego state (one of the 3 roles), it is impossible for the other person to hear us or respond.

IF we are experiencing a perpetrator, then we should know that it is the most de-energizing position in the triangle of drama. The perpetrator state is valuable because it affords the opportunity to see how we create the patterns that make us unhappy. (Notice that the victim only allows you to see the patterns, not the how.)

Our hidden script of pain can be found in the perpetrator's actions. If we look backwards at our past, we can discover HOW the Perpetrator takes advantage of us. This clues us to how we expect to experience pain. If we experience a LARGE perpetrator, then we have a BIG victim or hero within.

In this state, we not only experience our deepest pain, through another's action, we also experience his or her pain, which is different. His/her pain aligns with our pain, causing our deepest beliefs and most suppressed pain to rise to the surface.

The challenge is to love not only our pain but the other person's pain as well by loving ourselves and the other person. We have to love our pain and the pain that makes the perpetrator hurt us. It is the reason that the perpetrator position is the most valuable of all of the positions and why we dislike it the most.

Results of Self-Observation

Loving without expectation is different from changing others. We learn to change ourselves to create greater happiness rather than "fixing" others. Enabling others prevents internal growth and independence. Do we really want to love someone who is dependent on us, or do want a relationship of interdependence?

Interdependence means being strong and having boundaries. It also means loving the weakness of the other without trying to fix it or undermine it. Having mental pictures and feelings of a happier future is not enabling. It means that the door for positive change is open. We cannot force anyone to step through it.

We can also keep the door of positive change open for our selves by making that resolution. Often, if we put all of our attention on stepping through that door, the other people in our lives mysteriously change in a marvelous fashion.

It is a mystery as to how we or others will change. The Universe works that part out for us if we continue with self-discovery. The one secret that we do know about the Mystery is that the world becomes more wonderful.

The Dance of Drama and Being

Recognizing drama does not mean that it ends. It does mean that each time you experience it you will have more insights and that you will come closer to finding your underlying beliefs. Each dramatic episode shortens as you become more aware of your patterns and beliefs, and the time spent in "Being" lengthens.

Drama offers the chance to move more deeply into love or to move away from it.

You can dance into a place of inner being or into the corner of your own darkness. This dance — if you choose greater love and forgiveness — leads into a higher paradigm of Being.

Using Your Energy and Imagination

Our worlds are truly limited by our lack of imagination and energy. Accustomed to repeating the same words and thoughts mentally and emotionally, we recreate our worlds daily. We have a negative list of attributes about the people that we encounter at work, home and in day-to-day living, and we express astonishment that they treat us the way that they do.

We consciously or unconsciously measure these people's actions and responses each day by judging whether or not they meet our standards. In general, we see them as acting in hurtful ways toward us (the perpetrator) and either see ourselves as the victim (the wounded one), the perpetrator (the righteous one) or the hero (the savior) because the other person does not meet the standards of our inner critic.

There is a better way. By exercising our right to be creators, we can create a picture (or hologram — a mental image with feelings) of a happier future. Write down or imagine what you would like to experience or have happen. Direct all of the happiest emotions in your life toward the picture. You may also want to focus on the positive qualities and the happiest moments that you've shared with her/him.
See relationship exercise...

When we master this practice 51% of the time, then we reach critical mass and our perception of reality begins to change. The other person will actually begin to act as seen in the hologram.

If you practice the above exercise, notice how much energy it takes! It is wise to meditate and bring in energy often so that you develop the capability to change your reality quickly.

We can be discouraged by the amount of time and energy it takes to change our lives, but each time we meditate and hold the right thoughts, we are literally making a deposit in the Universal Bank of Change.

Our present life is like a groove in a record or a rut in a road. If we are driving down a dirt road with each tire in a deep rut, it will take force or energy to leave the rut when we approach a flat stretch of road.

Inertia keeps whatever we have created in motion or at rest. If we want to change the direction of our lives, it will take a great deal of energy. Initially, it may take as much as 10x the energy of positive visualizations to change even one portion of our lives.

Awakening teaches brings us to the realization that having energy is everything; it is what the Universe is composed of. To free ourselves from drama, we need a great deal of positive energy. Everyone in our drama borrows energy from us. This holds us and the characters in place.

We can move into an observer state each time we awaken through accumulation of positive energy. Each time we move into an observer state, the patterns lessen. We see our part in the drama. We stop feeling anger, hurt and blame.

We begin to love our own duality and the duality in others. In doing so, we not only free ourselves, but all of the characters who long to awaken. Eventually, we learn that if we love our selves enough, then we will be loved in all ways, always.

Julia Griffin is an intuitive healer (and writer) who has successfully changed the lives of hundreds of people by helping them awaken their potential to create happiness, abundance, health and positive relationships. Julia's intuitive ability to see areas of energy (a person's thoughts, feelings, words, and soul) allows her to see existing belief patterns in the body or mind and heal them. Her exercises, meditations, and classes are based on the discovery of the "true self", the part of ourselves which is astonishingly beautiful, powerful and capable. She is currently creating CDs to positively change patterns in relationships, career and the physical body. To view articles, exercises and ideas, visit her website, www.onetrueself.com or for more information.

Julia Griffin PO Box 366, Clermont, Georgia 30527

Telephone: 770.983.1958

Email: info@onetrueself.com